At work, people are often asked to mentor someone with the bests of intentions but with very little practical direction. That commonly plays out with a manager saying “This person has lots of potential. Can you do some mentoring to get them to the next level?”. That feels reasonable and if you have been in that situation you probably agreed to help but suddenly you’ve got a weekly 1:1 on your calendar with no agenda or even clarity about goals for your new would-be mentee. Worse is that the fundamental question hasn’t been answered; are you and your new mentee actually a good fit?
These setups are almost always a lose / lose. Fit is the most important part of any successful mentorship yet it is the least talked about. It’s rarely part of the conversation. Too often mentorship is treated like a blanket management solution. Someone isn’t performing well? Assign them a mentor. Someone wants to be promoted? Assign them a mentor. How often has that really worked out for folks?
Mentorship isn’t some sort of knowledge transfer or process for leveling up. It’s a relationship built on shared values, mutual respect, and trust. Without that even the best advice won’t land. All too often it leads to a bunch of shallow conversations and both people wondering why nothing clicks.
Mentorship without fit is a waste of time
Mentoring someone who isn’t a good fit doesn’t just fall flat. It is draining for both. That comes from a lack of real connection. It’s a bad relationship being forced to happen. You can’t force good fit either. Mentorship only works when both people have that real connection on values, mindset, and how they approach growth.
Unfortunately, remote work encourages these bad setups. Folks wanting to mentor frequently jump straight into goals and check-ins without spending nearly enough time at the start to see if they have anything in common with their mentees. Most mentees won’t say anything; they’re trying to be professional because they are at work. That means it is on the mentor to slow down. They have to see if that connection is possible and then establish it. That means spending more time upfront and looking for that common ground that goes beyond the workplace. There isn’t a virtual coffee room or water cooler in the remote environment so that often means spending even more time.
What fit actually looks like
Fit isn’t about personalities, interests, or similar job titles. It’s not “yay! we’re both engineers” or “ya! we work in the same org.” It’s deeper than that. It is about shared personal values and trust. While the mentor and mentee will be at different points of their respective growth journeys, they are in effect on the same one; they fundamentally believe in the same core principles.
The best mentorships I’ve had weren’t built around projects, work, or domain expertise. They were built on how we approach personal growth and by extension life. I look for people who believe in the same things I do; my love of challenging myself; finding my limits; and pushing beyond them while at the same time giving back to the people and communities that gave me those opportunities. My belief system ties directly to what I appreciate in a job as well as in my running. When I find a mentee that appreciates the grind just like me while also trying to make the world just a little bit better, we connect almost immediately. We don’t waste time talking about work goals. We talk about doing hard things; finding our limits; and eventually pushing past them.
That kind of fit, fortunately, is pretty common. Friendships and communities are formed around shared values and principles. So finding good mentor / mentee fit is definitely possible but you still can’t just assume it will be there. That’s why I don’t say yes to every mentorship request. I look for that connection and if it isn’t there, I say no. Not because I don’t care but because I do.
Knowing when and how to say no
Saying no or not right now isn’t a rejection. It’s a decision to protect your energy, respect theirs, and create space for mentorships that truly work.
Saying no to mentorship is hard especially when you care about helping people. Sometimes, though, it’s the right thing to do.
The easy no is when the mentee makes the choice for you. If they are missing your meetings; showing up unprepared; or keeping things surface level that indicates that they’re not a good fit. They are looking for something different in their mentors. In this situation, they quietly opt out.
The hard no is when the mentee is showing up, trying to engage, but regrettably the connection just isn’t there. The conversations revolve around topics that don’t resonate or engage both of you. Those are the one sided chats where you find yourself doing all the talking or struggling to understand and relate when listening. Neither of you are at fault here. There just isn’t a fit.
It is tricky when there isn’t fit with a mentee that is trying. You definitely want to identify it early though as to not let things drag out. That will take an awkward situation and make it worse; it is why you must always look for fit first. When you have to say no, I have learned that it is best to be honest and kind. I explain that mentorship is entirely optional; it’s not tied to their performance reviews; and nothing about it is going to hold them back professionally. Then I talk about what mentorship really is: a two way relationship rooted in shared values and the ones that work best have a real personal connection. I also commit to helping them find a mentor where they get that. That’s right. When someone is trying to grow, for me it isn’t over until I know they got a mentor that works for them.
Fit is about building trust on day one
You can only be effective with people, not efficient.
Being intentional about mentorship fit doesn’t make you exclusive or elitist. It makes you respectful of the mentee’s time, energy, and frankly trust they are looking to place in someone in order to have hard conversations with them.
When you start with fit, mentorship grows into something more than just sagely advice. You move from structured check-ins to shared challenges. You stop playing teacher and become trusted partners on hard things at work. You have hard conversations which end up having nothing to do with work. You don’t track progress. You end up both focusing on growth; the real hard work.
If you are mentoring someone today where you know there is poor fit, do the right thing and respectfully end it. Then help them find a mentor that works for them. In those situations, it is the best way to help.
Push Pace 